Blankety blank

I’ve been wracking my brains for the past few days to find something to write about, but I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I do have some ideas swirling around – I could talk about my experience with OCD, eating disorders, self harm, or go for something a little less personal such as ideas on how to brighten your living spaces, however nothing is really tickling my fancy. Everything just feels so uninspiring and effortful at the moment. I think I might start a small repository of posts so that, when I’m running on empty, I have some things stored away that I can post to keep a nice flow going here 🙂

I suspect my blank probably has a lot to do with the fact that Luca is thousands of kilometers away in Mexico this week. Unfortunately with borderline personality disorder comes a great fear of abandonment, which causes me great anxiety, so when he is away my mind races with ‘worst case scenarios’ such as plane crashes, freak accidents, kidnapping, meeting another woman etc. They aren’t just fleeting thoughts either – I will often fixate on one or two, going through them in great detail until I almost convince myself that they are inevitable! It’s completely bonkers, I know, but my mind gets very consumed with the ‘what if’! I could repeat to myself all day that nothing bad will happen, but that little ‘what if’ feels massive! For this week I made myself a little itinery to keep my mind focused and prevent me from just hibernating in bed and letting my thoughts consume me, but I must admit I am slacking a little, although I have done one or two things that weren’t on the list (including applying for a few jobs!). It’s always a bit of a struggle without him to give me a little push and drop reminders. I get very frustrated when Luca is away because it makes me realise just how dependant I’ve become over the past few years, and how much independence I seem to have let slip away. Just feel a bit lost and empty, more so than usual, so it probably isn’t a good idea to write about things from my past! No good kicking yourself while you’re already down, right?!

Much love, Faye
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